HUMOR

A Communist, a Moslem, and a traitor walk into a bar.

Bartender looks up and says, “Hello,  Mr. President!”

During a lull between the speeches at a recent White House Correspondents’
dinner, Michelle Obama leans over to chat with Joe Biden:

“Ya know, I bought Barack a parrot for his birthday. The bird is so smart,
Barack has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!”

“Wow, that’s pretty impressive,” says Joe, “but, you do realize that he just
speaks the words — he doesn’t really understand what they mean.”

“Oh, I know,” Michelle replies, “neither does the parrot.”

 And Now, The Ballad of Lyin’ Ted

THIS IS HOW TED GOT THE NICKNAME–TRUTH IS FUNNIER THAN FICTION, in this Original Tune & Compilation by Composer and Musician Jacob Seales:

 

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a bar. She’s drinking wine, and Trump’s never had an alcoholic beverage, so he’s sipping Coca-Cola. Donald leans over with a smile on his face, and says, “The media is really tearing you apart for ‘That Scandal’.”
…Hillary: “You mean my lying about Benghazi?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean the massive voter fraud?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean the military not getting their votes counted?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Using my secret private server with classified material to hide my activities?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Using the Clinton Foundation as a cover for tax evasion, hiring cronies, and taking bribes from foreign countries?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean the drones being operated in our own country without the benefit of the law?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million, and right afterward it declared bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean arming the Muslim Brotherhood and hiring them in the White House?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Whitewater, Watergate committee, Vince Foster, commodity deals?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “The funding of neo-Nazis in the Ukraine that led to the toppling of the democratically elected president and to the biggest crisis that country has had since WWII ?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Turning Libya into chaos?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Being the mastermind of the so-called “Arab Spring” that only brought chaos, death and destruction to the Middle East and North Africa ?”
Trump: “No the other one”
Hillary: “Leaving four Americans to die in Benghazi and going to sleep?
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Trashing Mubarak, one of our few Muslim friends?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “The funding and arming of terrorists in Syria, the destruction and destabilization of that nation, giving the order to our lapdogs in Turkey and Saudi Arabia to furnish sarin gas to the “moderate” terrorists in Syria that they eventually used on civilians; framing President Assad, and had it not been for the Russians and Putin, we would have used that as a pretext to invade Syria, put a puppet in power, steal their natural resources, and leave that country in total chaos, just like we did with Libya?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “The creation of the biggest refugee-crisis since WWII?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Leaving Iraq in chaos? “
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “The DOJ spying on the press?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean HHS Secretary Sibelius shaking down health-insurance executives?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Giving our cronies at SOLYNDRA 500-MILLION DOLLARS and 3 Months Later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “The NSA monitoring citizens?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “The State Department interfering with an Inspector General Investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Me, the IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Threats to all of Bill’s former mistresses to keep them quiet…?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “I give up! … Oh wait, I think I’ve got it! When I stole the White House furniture, china and silverware, as Bill left Office?”
Trump: “THAT’S IT! I almost forgot about that one“.

A Misbegotten Fantasy:

Hillary Clinton was sworn in today as President.
She has disposed of Bill and is spending her first night
alone in the White House. She has waited several years for this!

FIRST NIGHT:
Suddenly the ghost of George Washington appears to her, and Hillary
says, “How can I best serve my country?”
Washington says, “Never tell a lie.”
“Ouch!” says Hillary, “I don’t know about that.”

SECOND NIGHT:
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears.
Hillary says, “How can I best serve my country?”
Jefferson says, “Listen to the people.”
“Ohhh, I really really don’t want to do that.”

THIRD NIGHT:
On the third night, the ghost of Abraham Lincoln appears.
Hillary says, “How can I best serve my country?”
Lincoln says, “Go to the theater.”

CON-FUSED in 2016

I was born white, which makes me a racist.
I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which makes me a fascist.
I am heterosexual, which makes me a homophobe.
I am a Non-Muslim, which makes me an infidel.
 
I am older and retired, which makes me a useless person.
I think and I reason; therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which makes me a reactionary.
I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe.
I value my safety and that of my family; therefore I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.
I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual’s merits, which makes me anti-social.
I, and my friends, acquired a good education without student loans and no debt at graduation, which makes me some kind of odd underachiever.
I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland by all citizens, which makes me a militarist.
Please help me come to terms with this, because I‘m not sure who I am anymore!
Newest problem…I’m not sure which bathroom I should use…
 
LEFTIST DEMOCRAT DIRT-BAGS THINK VANDALIZING AND ASSAULT ARE OKAY–SO DOES THE DNC/HITLERY, APPARENTLY–HERE IS ONE OF THE RECENT INCIDENTS OF DAMAGE TO CARS, by a COPYCAT WHO WAS OUT OF THE USUAL SPRAY-PAINT:

Deputies: Woman mistakes meeting for Trump gathering, smears peanut butter on cars

NEWS SOURCE, WSAW: YOU SURE THIS ISN’T A MAN?

AMHERST, Wis. (WSAW) — An Amherst woman is expected to be charged with disorderly conduct after she smeared peanut butter on 30 vehicles she believed were parked outside a Trump gathering.

Investigators said the gathering was actually a conservation group and had nothing to do with politics.

The incident was reported Monday evening when the group’s meeting was interrupted by a woman that appeared intoxicated. According to the incident report, the woman identified by deputies as Christina Ferguson, 32, entered the meeting and began yelling she hated Donald Trump. The woman was asked to leave, and did.

However, when one of the group’s members went outside he saw the woman smearing peanut butter on the vehicles.

According to the incident report the woman used peanut butter to make phallic symbols and wrote profanity across the windshield of another vehicle.

Ferguson had a preliminary breath alcohol concentration of . 218.

Ferguson is free on bond.

 
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